Not Posting

I have purposely not posted in a few days for several reasons. First, and probably the biggest reason was my irrational desire to not post anything that was too negative. I wanted a positive, and happy, upbeat even blog. *snort* I have realized that life is not positive, happy, and upbeat all of the time.

Second reason is that I feel depressed. Am I clinically depressed? Probably, but again, since losing the job I don't have health insurance, so I can't really run right out and go to good old crazy doc. So I must deal in any way that I know how. And you might be curious to know how I've been dealing with this. In one word: torture. Not the kind that involves water-boarding, cutting off of the toes, and such. No, no, no....I'm much more devious then that. I prefer the kind of mental torture that I can only hear in my head. I really wish that I could take some of the self-loathing that I can create in my head and bottle it. I could then sell it to convicts and I am almost positive that it could make them go straight and become normal, functioning members of society.

The problem is that not only do I torture myself, I tend to torture Dug as well. I've put the poor kid through a lot for no reason. He's a good man for sticking by me through all of this, but heaven only knows how much more the guy can take. He deserves a good person, and I feel like my good person is slipping farther and farther away.

So, as you can see, I'm having a rough time. I haven't been posting because I am not sure that I am ready to share that with the world. But here it is, in all back and white.

A Fork in the Road

One of my favorite bloggers has recently announced her pregnancy, and I can't express how excited I am for her. Another of my favs is expecting her third next Wednesday. And another wonderful set of parents just recently welcomed a beautiful daughter. I've been surrounded recently with babies, and people professing their desire for children recently and it has raised a few questions in my own mind.

It's an amazing, awe-inspiring responsibility to be able to bring a child into the world. And I for one know that I am not ready for that responsibility. I can't even remember where I put the cord to my camera, what makes you think I remember where I put a baby? I have no doubts that I were blessed with a child right now I would handle the responsibility. It would be difficult, and stressful, but quite possibly the most important thing I've ever done. Even with that conviction, I know that I am no where near ready.

I recently quit my job. I am in the process of looking for a new one, and I think I pretty much have one all wrapped up at somewhere very impressive. (Details will be forth coming just as soon as I am sure it's a done deal.) In addition to that, I have also gone back to school to pursue my RN. I want to help people, and feel like I make a difference. If you know me at all, you know that I don't do thing half-heartly. I am, in fact, not only pursuing my RN, I am planning on pursuing my Masters Degree as well in the same field. This is all well and good you see, but it make me wonder when will I have the time to start my own family.

You see, I want to be a nurse, and do the best that I can in that field. And doing the best requires lots of schooling. I'm willing to go through all the schooling necessary to get there. However, I know this is a huge demand on time, money and emotional resources. And with so much of me already committed to that, where am I going to find the time to make a marriage, a baby, and a family work? Do I really have to choose between them? How do we decide which part of our life should take precedence?

I'm hoping that I wont have to decide. I'm hoping that things will work out in their own sweet time, and leave me wondering why I ever began to stress in the first place.

Apparently The Cool Kids Are Doing It

I've never forayed into blogging before, save a few random posts on a work related blog. I'm not sure if I'm way behind on the curve, or if I'm just so cool I'm to far ahead to even consider a blog. However, after spending the majority of my computer-related hours jumping around from blog to blog, I've decided to start my own. So here I am internets.

They say that a major life change will ripple out into other smaller life changes. If that true, then I consider this to be one of those changes. I quit my job on Monday. It was a good job, paid the bills, offered me comfort, and was relatively easy. But it wasn't what I wanted, it drove me crazy. So I quit to pursue something that I really like. Not quite sure what that is yet, however I'm sure that I will be filling the time between complete mental breakdown (i.e. quitting a perfectly good job) and nirvana (finding something I love) with waiting tables. Which actually, I really enjoy despite the general unattractiveness of the profession.

I suppose that time is the ultimate factor in this one. We shall see where it goes, and how the river flows, and all of those other good things. And you know, now that I'm reading over this, I feel like maybe I should have introduced myself. Is that blogging appropo? I think I'm going to buck the system. Eventually the details will come to light I'm sure.

Untill then!